Scary Cactus Man Chronicles: Book 1
By: Leighton Sher & James Patrick Curtis
CHAPTER I
Scary Cactus Man was once long ago, a little, tiny, feeble cactus that nobody cared about and who had no friends. He had pathetic, small stubs for spikes and a lime-green body. The cactus had large vibrant eyes, almost as if they were popping out of his head, like an overfilled balloon. He always put a charming red smile on his face, even though he was never happy.
He was born into a pot, a pot he could never escape. It was made out of some old clay and had a dwindle of dirt with nutrients absorbed years ago. It gave him protection, but it prevented him from moving at a reasonable pace. He had to try to hop around for hours just to go the littlest of distances.
He lived in the Scarehara desert, which was located near the Sahara Desert and Liberia, where creatures from both came to rest. The desert was hot, dry, and aird, with only dusty tumbleweeds and cacti filling the empty barren. Long ago, it used to be a thriving tropical forest with lush and vibrant flora and fauna before all the water and greenery were taken away. Little cracks filled the ground, it was hard, coarse, and rocky, not a place you would want to live in.
One burning hot summer day, Scary Cactus Man was hobbling around mindlessly in the desert and had discovered a magical-looking wishing well. The well was all empty and dried up. It was constructed of some old stone bricks and with a rotting wooden top holding an empty bucket by a straw rope. Near the well, he found a shiny golden coin in the skeleton of a cowboy’s hand. It had an imprint of a smiley face on the front, but on the back, it said three words: “Make a wish”. It was very tempting but the hand was all bony and dry, very suspicious. It looked like it had been there for a while and something seemed seriously off to him.
But out of his greed and due to him having no friends, he grabbed the coin using his dull pricks for fingers. Little did he know, it was cursed with a horrible and evil eternity. He tossed the coin into the dusty well, heard a little plop bellow, and wished. Scary Cactus Man wished to be a god, for with god-like powers, he could do anything he wanted, and he could be happy for once in his life. Right after he wished, he was 30 feet tall and had giant spikes that could crush anything he wanted. They were as big and as sharp as mountains, he now was a darker shade of green, and his smile grinned with a deep red like the color of blood. He laughed with his sharp teeth thinking he was now a god. However, when he tried to fly, he couldn’t, when he tried to move, he couldn’t, when he tried to talk, he couldn’t. Now he just realized that from his greed, he’d been cursed for eternity.
As the years passed, Scary Cactus Man kept living each tedious, dull day of his now eternal life. Each day he was thirsty and hungry, but he never got anything except for the scorching hot brutal heat of the sun, taunting him over and over again. One boring day, when he was thinking about nothing, he thought he saw something in the distance. He saw a bright spot, but he thought his eyes were just playing tricks on him. It got brighter, and a silhouette of a beam appeared. He shrugged it off again blaming it on his cursed old head. After a few hours, something started to appear in the sky. Perhaps an object he thought. He started to squint trying to figure out what it was until the light became blinding and heavenly, and the object came closer to him. A golden cactus floated down, and it looked shiny and made of gold. It looked like a barrel cactus with a beautiful golden flower on top and little sharp spikes. When he tried to get a better look at it, a message entered Scary Cactus Man’s head: “Keep it safe, and don’t let anyone steal this precious cactus.” It sounded like it was a light voice in a serious and important tone. Little did he know, this cactus would lead to the start of a war.
CHAPTER II
Over time small creatures started to appear, some of them ate cacti, some of them got eaten by Liberian Doges, but some wanted to discover, to learn. After some time, one creature was humanoid, a hairy ape. His fingers were hairy and he had a very primitive brain. He searched for resources and eventually found the precious cactus. His muddy little fingers touched the cactus, but before he could grab it and learn what it was, Scary Cactus Man remembered his duty and smashed him with his hand. His skull was shattered and his little insides burst out as Scary Cactus Man ate his first meal.
Scary Cactus Man now had remembered his purpose and this cycle of guarding and protecting the precious cactus repeated for thousands of years. The creatures started to evolve, and eventually, the apes became humans and gained early tools like clubs and bats.
Liberian Doges are a species of doge that evolved in Liberia. They have meme-like faces, but that is only to trick you into thinking that they are friendly. The doges are one of the most deadly and vicious creatures out there that will mercilessly kill and eat you for its next meal.
The primitive humans started moving away from the desert for protection and created a town called Ooga Village. All the humans gathered together to scheme how to take down Scary Cactus Man. Today, the townsfolk were gathering to create a plan.
“We must bash him and break his insides!” one of the citizens exclaimed.
However, this strategy would be far from working, due to Scary Cactus Man being too powerful to face head-on.
The military tactics leader, Jib, said, “We must distract him with human sacrifices and stab him from the back!” Everyone mutually agreed on this strategy.
“But how would we get into the desert past the Liberian doges?” one of the townspeople asked. It was a very valid question due to the doges being very vicious and hostile towards people invading their territory. “Druvuv was already taken away and eaten by a pack!” one person shouted. The argument got heated until the supreme leader, Jarlob, said in a serious tone, “Stop this commotion, we must think strategically like a big-brain team.” The murmuring stopped and someone pointed out that they should snipe the doges with the new technology of bows and arrows they have recently discovered.
“Well then it's settled,” Jarlob said. “We will snipe all the doges with our bows and arrows, distract Scary Cactus Man with our human sacrifices, and stab him in the back when he is not looking!”
The crowd went wild as they chanted, “Jarlob on top!” and prepared for the fight.
CHAPTER III
As the humans started getting ready for the war, some were scared by the looming threat of Scary Cactus Man, but they continued to prepare to get ready for the fight. As the days continued, they crafted more bows, arrows, and clubs. The town began to thrive. On the day of the war, all of the troops started marching into the Scarehara Desert. This was the day the big day. The people thought that today they were going to finally be free of the Scary Cactus Man. Continuing marching into the desert, they hid behind rocks and dead bushes and loaded their bows. “Fire!” said Jarlob, and a wave of arrows went off at once like rain in the sky. Almost all of the Liberian Doges were shot and killed, but a few. The clubmen went forth and started battling them with all their strength.
They slammed into the Liberian Doges like a battering ram. Doges howled as they flew through the air. It was an intense and gruesome fight, a lot of good men and soldiers were lost. However, the humans overcame this obstacle and continued into the harsh Scarehara Desert.
Before long they had made it to the area where Scary Cactus Man lived. The humans started sneaking into the zone.
“BURP!” a human burped and the jig was up. All due to that single human, Scary Cactus Man had found them. All hell broke loose as Scary Cactus Man uttered a giant roar and started pounding the humans with his fists, screams were everywhere.
As strong as the humans were, they were no match for the Scary Cactus Man. When the humans attacked he started bashing and beating up the clubs-men. Then, he threw his spikes at the archers, who were poisoned by the toxin he had put on them. But the leader, Jarlob, knew that they needed a better strategy to get the precious cactus.
Jarlob ran right towards Scary Cactus Man and played dead. Scary Cactus Man was not very intelligent so he thought Jarlob was dead. The humans kept fighting as Jarlob was acting on his plan. Jarlob quickly stood up before Scary Cactus Man could notice, and grabbed the precious cactus. The humans pretended to run back as a retreat, but Scary Cactus Man didn’t know that they were running away with the precious cactus. As Scary Cactus Man realized, it was already far too late. The precious cactus had been stolen and he had lost. He let out a humongous shriek, as he went back to nothing.
CHAPTER IV
As the humans marched back to the village and eliminated the rest of the Liberian Doges in the way, everyone was cheering and joyous. When they made it back to the village, they had a ceremony to remember the ones who were lost in the war.
“Today we have lost a lot of people. Not just a lot, but hundreds. There is not enough time to commemorate everyone, but make sure to show your respects for those who were lost,” Jarlob said. The villagers bowed down and took time to remember all those who were killed and murdered by Liberian Doges or Scary Cactus Man. After the ceremony, they said their prayers and said their goodbyes. To change the mood Jarlob brought up the precious cactus to the town center.
“This right here,” he showed it off to all the townsfolk, “this is what we have worked for. We have overcome the challenges of Scary Cactus Man, battled probably hundreds of Liberian Doges, and now at last.” He continued, “Now we have the precious cactus.” The crowd cheered and chanted with all their possible happiness as the war was now over and no more lives were going to be lost.
“Wait,” Jib asked. “Why do we even want this cactus so much?” The townsfolk started talking amongst themselves. He raised an extremely valid question.
As the thought started to process through Jarlob's head, he said; “I actually don’t know why we want this cactus so much,” said with a bit of confusion in his voice, “I guess people just wanted to steal it because Scary Cactus Man was protecting it.”
“Are you saying that all my friends and family were lost for one stupid reason?!” screamed out of the cavemen. People started getting heated and livid, since the entire war and so many lives had been lost just for some stupid cactus. As the arguments started to escalate and get more violent, one person threw their club at the cactus. The club hit the precious cactus and at that moment, a red beam of light emerged from it and created a horrifying crack in the sky. Hordes of demons and creatures that should have never been seen by anyone emerged and the apocalypse had just begun.
CHAPTER V
Chaos emerged as humans were screaming, imps were laughing, and humans were dying left and right.
“No!” Jarlob screamed with a voice full of both deep sadness and intense rage. “This can’t be happening,” he said, “we won, we are supposed to be happy!”
A massive mouth swooped down and ate Jarlob, only leaving his trophy on the ground with drops of blood. As the apocalypse continued, all the humans in Ooga Village were brutally murdered due to their greed and ambition. The hordes moved on to the doges, they didn’t even stand a chance for all the underworld and nightmare creatures that approached. The desert and world were now even more dead than it was before, and the horrible monsters flew back from where they came from, leaving the Earth as a total dump.
For the next few years, Scary Cactus Man began reminiscing on the past events and years, so many regents and missed opportunities, he couldn’t even start to tell you about. But he did learn one valuable lesson; Greed is not the path to success. He would know due to being cursed for an eternity. He started to appreciate lower life forms more because it became quite boring with such an empty wasteland. He watched life grow and the beautiful world of nature.
Over the centuries, nature started to slowly rebuild itself and come back as time went on. The closest related animals to humans now were like them but had more eyes, bigger ears, and cooler bodies to be able to traverse areas more efficiently. Due to the new humans learning their lesson from the former humans, they were less greedy and caused no major apocalypses. As civilization became more advanced, they eventually created futuristic technology that could change the world forever.
Scary Cactus Man had now changed in his ways, becoming Happy Cactus Man.
THE END
BONUS:
Preview of the Scary Cactus Man Chronicles: Book II
CHAPTER I
Ted walked in the halls of the great emperor's palace, the walls shined like gold and silver. He was looking for the Grand Library, the greatest collection of data and world history. He had heard a rumor of a war long ago, Ooga Village and Scary Cactus Man, and wanted to learn more. People were very secretive about the information of the war, he wanted to know why. He finished walking through the palace when he found the doors to the library. He pushed them open, and a great cloud of dust exploded.
“Looks like no one's been in here for a while,” he joked. The new emperor was not known for his intelligence but for his leadership and management skills. He had been elected in the year 4056 only winning by 5%. He looked at the map of the library and tracked down the world history section. Skimming across the history aisle, he found a book called “The Scary Cactus Man Chronicles” he laughed at the name and began to read. The history was fascinating, but the thing that intrigued him most was the simple question; “What if someone stopped him?”. So many lives would have been saved and a whole civilization too. He got a little too deep into it when he began tinkering with the fabric of time itself.
He went into his garage and began designing a time machine. He knew that if he could make it, he would be able to stop the tragic events of the past. Ted was tall, and skinny, had brown hair, and always had a cowboy hat due to being very interested in the desert. After a few months of working, he had finally made the machine. He set the time to Cactusember 34th, -πR2, and was ready to travel.
Going through the time machine felt like getting ripped up and all your body parts being individually sewn back together in another universe, he shivered remembering the feeling he had just felt. In his book, it said that there was a giant cactus terrorizing humans, but he couldn’t find anything but a small cacti. He searched around until he found a strange cave in a dune. He crawled into a small tunnel and found a gold coin on a pedestal. He grabbed it and brought it over by a small rock next to a well.
Ted’s body had just been ripped apart, only leaving the skeleton of a cowboy, with a coin in hand, next to an old well.
Buy the Scary Cactus Man Chronicles: Book II from your local bookstore if you have enjoyed this preview.
