Just a Thought
Chloe Chevillet
Unexplained spikes of fear and restlessness, constant questioning of myself and the world around me, an unattainable need to just get away from anything and everything, including myself: These are all feelings that shaped my experience with anxiety. It was scary, exhausting, and uncontrollable, and it all overtook me without any warning.
It started when I got home from school one day. I had been having a pretty good day, with great classes and really amazing people. Our cohort had gone to the garden right before school ended, and we helped pull some of the weeds out of the strawberry and lettuce plants. After we pulled weeds, they let us keep some clippings from the plants and it made me so happy. My family and I had a pleasant car ride home where we just talked about our days, and then I went up to my room to read a book that I had started.
As I tried to read, I also kept replaying my day in my head. I was afraid that maybe I did something or said something that would offend someone or hurt their feelings. I remembered an interaction I had with someone, and then suddenly this thought just came to me, and it wouldn’t go away. It was like condensation on a mirror, where you wipe through the tiny droplets of water but they don’t quite go away.
This sent waves of fear through me because, in a moment, the only thing I could think about was this thought and how much I didn’t want to think about it. The possibility that what I was thinking could be true was so absolutely terrifying to me. I tried to think through all the ways I could get this thought out of my mind, and I remembered past mornings where I had woken up and completely forgot about what had happened the previous day. After that, the only solution I thought could possibly work was going to sleep. I had so much hope that sleeping would help that it only made it so much worse when I woke up, and I still felt the same way, with the same thought haunting my mind.
Over the next few days, I struggled a lot with the feelings that I was experiencing, and I kept trying to find ways to get away from this thought. I thought that maybe if I tried ignoring it or replacing it, then it would disappear, but none of the ways I tried ever worked.
I went to my parents for support and help, and talking through it with them actually did make it feel a little bit more manageable, but a lot of times I would come home from school crying because all I could feel was fear and terror.
When that happened, I would go to my dad’s home office and he would tell me, “It’s ok to feel those feelings. You’re a sweet and wonderful girl, and nothing would be wrong if that thought were true.”
He would say, “Breath, it’s ok. When you're feeling anxious you can inhale for 4 seconds, 1, 2, 3, 4. Right, and exhale for 4 seconds, 1, 2, 3, 4.”
My parents always had their doors open to me and they gave me so many helpful strategies, but nothing seemed to change the fear or anxiety I was feeling. I went through a lot of days where so many things felt impossible, and I felt like I was in a really dark place, and so I asked my parents if I could start therapy.
The first time I went I was really nervous, really reluctant to share my thoughts and be honest about what I was feeling. I felt frantic spikes of anxiety before I joined the call, but I clicked on the link with shaky hands and a pounding heart. The call opened up to my therapist who was so nice and open, and we talked a little about what I had been thinking and feeling over the past few days. It was nerve wracking talking about something that I had been keeping bottled up and was tormenting me, yet it helped, maybe only a little bit, but it was progress.
All of it was a very slow slow process; most days didn’t feel any better than the previous ones. I learned that what I was experiencing was called rumination, where you get hooked on a negative thought, and it plays over and over in your head, like a broken record. I still had so many days where I was full of fear and anxiousness, but I was facing it and using the strategies I am still learning to cope with it. My therapist taught me so much about my mind and showed me lots of ways to separate myself from those thoughts and continue to experience my life. Onestrategy that I continue to use today is using a visual imagination to let go of a thought.
When there is a thought I am stuck on, I imagine the thought in whatever form I’d like, kind of characterize it into something, like a cloud or an animal. And then I imagine the cloud floating away or the bunny hopping off, imagine the thought leaving my mind until I can’t see it anymore. I don’t try to force it to run away from me or chase it out, I just let it leave. By doing this, I can acknowledge the thought, accept that it’s here and that it’s valid, and then detach from it.
We can all think whatever we want in the whole entire universe; that's the beauty in having a consciousness, but it doesn’t dictate who we are or who we will be. It doesn’t have to control us. We are who we want to be and our thoughts are there to help us enjoy that, see that, and grow. There are times in the present day where I feel like I should have known how to cope with it or that I make a big deal of it when I shouldn’t. But I also know that what we feel, think and struggle with is valid, and it always will be, even when we don’t think it is. We can always talk to others and ask for help, that doesn’t make us or what we are going through anything less.
This was my first big experience with anxiety and it has really helped me internalize and recognize that we are who we are and that’s very beautiful. I hope anyone who may be struggling with something similar will see that in themselves too.
Thank you for reading!
